Happy Memorial Day!
I get asked a lot about the Family Business Meeting and the conflict resolution methodology and why, and even how, the emotionality is taken out.
It isn’t, really. It’s about regulation. And trust, if I can do it, anyone can. I think this warrants some clarification, so let me explain.
It’s not that emotion has no place within conflict. It’s usually the cause AND the byproduct. But it doesn’t SOLVE conflict.
I am a very emotional person. I prefer to think of it as passionate. I’m at an age now that I refuse to apologize about that.
As a girl, I was taught that I had to keep it “small” for propriety’s sake (thanks, Southern culture). I failed miserably at this and it resulted in A LOT of acting out. And, because I’ve always tended to be a little EXTRA I never learned to check myself before I literally wrecked myself.
It stunted my ability to know how to know my own mind and stand up for myself without showing my a$$ (debutant or redneck?) I would choke down my feelings or opinions until I felt sick, and then they would explode all over everybody as anger and my message would be completely lost.
Even as an adult I sometimes vacillate between complete apathy and overreacting. I’m sure it makes being married to me supes fun.
My point is that I am all for emotions and I am all for owning them. But I’d like to believe I’ve grown into turning my passion into purpose.
I BELIEVE that we have a right to feel what we feel and to live our own truths. That’s the fire in our bellies that drives us. However, I also believe that those truths have to be managed a little or they will completely run away from us.
This all sounds like a contradiction to the other piece I wrote, but hear me out. This is the part that could change your life…
Giving yourself permission to feel the feels also allows for examination of those feelings so that we can make adjustments and move on. But you can’t do it alone.
For me, none of this would have become clear if I hadn’t done the exploration through therapy, discovered the perception work I talked about last week, and adopted a new mindset.
I’m particularly interested in how these skills can be taught, if only to be able to give that gift to my children. Resilience, grit, accurate thinking, and mindset coaching are seriously lacking in our education systems.
I have had such a complicated relationship with my complicated feelings that the simplicity of this is beautiful to me and so important in the context of conflict. It’s improved my life with Adam so much because I’ve come to understand that while I’ve been fighting him for control the choice was always mine.
Adam doesn’t look at me like I’m irrational anymore. He doesn’t tell me to simmer down. He doesn’t patronize or placate me. Instead of making me feel unstable or crazy he knows that if I’m really upset it must be serious. He respects me and my opinions because what I bring to the table is a rational, respectful person who can actually work towards resolution.
Unless tequila is involved and then I guarantee nothing.